Full disclosure, I usually schedule these emails to go out weeks or months in advance. As a general rule I need to read something approx. 100 times before I stop hating it, usually once it starts to feel like a general mush of meaningless letters and symbols—that is the creative stage where the real magic happens. Also it helps me find typos.
Right now, with this email, I am coming to you LIVE. As in I just wrote it. And might not even read it back. Which is very scary.
I am coming to you with a simple, but LIVE, apology—I accidentally re-sent you an email from March of 2020 a few minutes ago, which must have been very strange and confusing. Allow me to first of all say that I’m sorry. Allow me to second of all explain myself in great detail, i.e. an amount of detail that I will soon regret and will probably feel compelled to send a follow up apology email about later this afternoon.
I was tinkering in the backend of All My Eggs, trying to put all of the archive of stories into different categories (a new feature I just discovered), when I heard someone a few houses down the road yelling about their green bin not being collected and the injustice therein. I am absolutely confident that it’s a yellow bin week. I know this because we have a shit tonne of cardboard we’re trying to shift. In fact, last night, beneath a full and judgey moon, I distributed huge volumes of recyclables into bins up and down the street. I felt no pity for my neighbour. The fact that they don’t even know what colour bin we’re on seemed to speak to deeper flaws in their character—and yet they kept going on and on about how full their bin was, and what a pain in the ass it was going to be for the next six days. I then started wondering about whether the bin collection day is seen as a huge relief or a great tragedy from the perspective of the bin. Do they like being full of garden waste, as it is their purpose, or do they find it humiliating to be full of garbage? I became very distracted by this abstraction. I did a few absent clicks on the AME backend without reading very carefully and managed to somehow remove the (very crucial) embedded audio from the old Elevator Love post—a feat which I have not been able to correct. When you make an edit to an article, Substack automatically assumes you want to resend the update to all of your subscribers, and since my head was full of anthropomorphised green bins protesting for their rights, I clicked ‘UPDATE’ without fully thinking.
Sorry to have sent you a useless email. If you’d like to listen to the very old Elevator Love story, you can do so here—but since I sent it to you as an accident, I am granting everyone one free Totally Ignore pass (redeemable only until December 31st 2022).
Regularly scheduled emails will resume on the 18th of November at 1:36 p.m. AEST, pending further fuck ups.
I hope you’re having a good Thursday.
I like to think that the bins think getting tipped upside down is like doing a loop de loop on a rollercoaster-terrifying but exhilarating, ya know?